[thelist] site review: http://spinhead.com/new

[Richard Bennett]

Hi,
<----- Original Message -----
<From: "Joel Canfield" <joel at spinhead.com>
<Subject: RE: [thelist] site review: http://spinhead.com/new

Well it's certainly original...
It took some getting used to, but there is a consistent style there, and it
is *not* bland.

I'd change this:

Face it. You don't have fifteen grand for an interactive animated 3D
website.
You don't even want one. You just know that if you're not on the web, you're
missing out on something big. We can help.

It sounds like you think I'm a poor dumb-ass who doesn't know what he
wants...
I'm not sure how to rephrase it without changing it completely though

In fact, much of the text is a little presumptuous and contradictory
sometimes.

This:
"Leave it to the corporate giants to plow fifteen
(or even a hundred and fifty) grand into their website. "

goes from plural to singular, and sounds a bit stiff.

"At Spinhead we know that you already have a plan. "
How on earth do you know that?

"And you know that better marketing means growth"
How do you know I know that?

"We promise to do it your way. "
Ahh, so you're begging now are you?

"We don't have any preconceived notions about how it's done — "
This follows three paragraphs of preconceived notions :o)

"except that we don't like cold vegetables, either."
So that means you expect to make a neat profit off my back?

"More and more, small businesses are taking
advantage of the benefits of the internet. "
Does this mean that it is becoming more frequent for small businesses to
take to the net, or that a larger quantity of small businesses are taking to
the net?
It's no big deal, but I think it sounds better without the comma in there.

Wouldn't this bit:
"Whether you're going to engage in e-commerce,
you want to provide improved customer service,
or you're in an industry ..."

sound better like this :
"Whether you're going to engage in e-commerce,
want to provide improved customer service,
or are in an industry... "

I'd print out all the written text, and ask some people to review it.
Cheers,
Richard