[thechat] FW: St. Patty's day
Scott Dexter
sgd at ti3.com
Tue Mar 13 11:18:03 CST 2001
>
> > ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE
> >
> > St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of
> the world's
> > population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely
> > toe-up from the flo-up.
> >
> > Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
> >
> > Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use
> > aftershave,
> > perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders
> > afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw
> alcohol and other
> > poisons, and without proper preparations,
> > you will smell like a three-day dead catwrapped in a
> fraternity carpet.
> > The
> > bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare.
> > Collect the following supplies and put them in a place
> where you will
> > easily be
> > able to find it in an impaired condition.
> > We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the
> baseboard
> > heater,
> > since that's where you'll probably
> > end up:
> > 1 quart spring water
> > 1 bottle aspirin
> > 5 pairs Depends undergarment
> > 1 bottle Percocet1 gram morphine sulphate
> > 1 oz. human adrenaline extract
> > 1 precharged electric defibrillator
> > 4 Cardiac needles
> > 1 trauma surgeon
> >
> > Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish
> whiskey, drink.
> > Note that
> > coffee should be drunk liberally
> > throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish
> > Coffee;
> > unless you ingest a large volume of artificial
> > stimulants throughout the course of St.Patrick's Day, you
> are going to
> > die.
> > Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the
> > bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should
> not drink and
> > drive.
> > There is no reason to chance losing
> > your license or killing someone in a drunken statewhen you
> have plenty of
> > idiot
> > friends willing to take that risk on your
> > behalf.
> >
> > Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
> >
> > Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an
> Irish bar if
> > at all
> > possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best
> > alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney.
> However, almost
> > every
> > city in America has bars called
> > The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just
> try to ignore the
> > fact
> > that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.
> > Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any
> circumstances. The bar is
> > liable
> > to be packed by noon, and real Irish
> > people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the
> consequences.
> > While we
> > do recommend the use of an adult
> > undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By
> > afternoon,
> > you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer
> > anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely
> overpowered by the
> > toxic
> > stench of vomit. We recommend starting out
> > with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant
> level, however, you
> > should
> > not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be
> > given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream
> and a cherry,
> > and
> > some guy named Seamus will call you a
> > yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck.
> Ask for coffee
> > with
> > whiskeyand ask the bartender to leave the
> > whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the
> > occasional
> > whippet.
> >
> > Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
> >
> > It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat
> > something,
> > because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:
> > "Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die."If
> you want to
> > maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated
> > feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only
> two options:
> > popcorn
> > or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates
> > you'll need to giveyou energy, both will soak up excess bile in your
> > stomach,
> > and both have names that are hard to slur.
> > If you start slurring your words too early,you'll hear the most
> > frightening
> > phrase in the English language on St.Patrick's
> > Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off". By now, you
> should switch off
> > of
> > coffee drinks to beer. You have only one
> > option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order
> green beer, but
> > remember: beer doesn't always turn green
> > because of food coloring.
> >
> > Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
> >
> > By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long
> lunches and
> > bail out
> > of work early to tie one on. If you're doing
> > your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three
> times as crowded
> > as it
> > really is. By now, you may be
> > in conversation with some real Irish people, since the
> person you came
> > with has
> > likely
> > been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points
> to remember
> > when
> > talking to the Irish are: Football really
> > means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it
> than you are
> > about
> > your wife or husband, AND The English
> > are all piss-arsed, pig- bastards who should be lined up
> and kicked into
> > the
> > Liffey. If you remember those two
> > points, as well at least three derogatory names for
> Margaret Thatcher, you
> > can
> > talk to the Irish for hours. You should
> > continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although
> you may want to
> > have
> > another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has
> > become irregular.
> >
> > The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
> >
> > Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the
> bar at closing
> > time.
> > This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol
> > content of 50 usually equals death, and you should be
> pushing a .35 or .40
> > by
> > now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave
> > a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away
> by the police.
> > Throw a
> > punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why;
> > no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock,anyway. You will be beaten
> > mercilessly,
> > since your fine motor control has been
> > gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since
> you can't feel
> > anything. Depending on your community, the police
> > should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the
> floor and clap
> > you in
> > irons. The final impression you leave is the
> > most important: as you are being dragged from the bar,
> begin screaming
> > that you
> > want to take your drink with you. You
> > will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the
> bar should
> > have had
> > his or her stomach pumped, and will be
> > able to bail you out.
> >
> > By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's
> Day experience
> > would be
> > one you would never
> > forget if it weren't physically and biologically
> impossible for you to
> > remember
> > any of it.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
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