[thechat] FW: St. Patty's day

Scott Dexter sgd at ti3.com
Tue Mar 13 11:18:03 CST 2001


> 
> > ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE
> > 
> > St.  Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of 
> the world's
> > population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely
> > toe-up from the flo-up.
> > 
> > Leg 1: 7 a.m.  to 9 a.m.
> > 
> > Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally  use
> > aftershave,
> > perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders
> > afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw 
> alcohol and other
> > poisons, and without  proper preparations,
> > you will smell like a three-day dead catwrapped in a 
> fraternity carpet.
> > The
> > bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare.
> > Collect the following supplies and put them in a place 
> where you will
> > easily be
> > able to find it in an impaired condition.
> > We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the 
> baseboard
> > heater,
> > since that's where  you'll probably
> > end up:
> > 1 quart spring water
> > 1 bottle aspirin
> > 5  pairs Depends undergarment
> > 1 bottle Percocet1 gram morphine sulphate
> > 1 oz. human adrenaline extract
> > 1 precharged electric defibrillator
> > 4  Cardiac needles
> > 1 trauma surgeon
> > 
> > Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9  oz. Jameson Irish 
> whiskey, drink.
> > Note that
> >  coffee should be drunk liberally
> > throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish
> > Coffee;
> > unless you ingest a large volume of artificial
> > stimulants throughout the course of St.Patrick's Day, you 
> are going to
> > die.
> > Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the
> > bar by 8:45 a.m.  We cannot stress enough that  you should 
> not drink and
> > drive.
> > There is no reason to chance losing
> > your license or killing someone in a drunken statewhen you 
> have plenty of
> > idiot
> >   friends willing to take that risk on your
> > behalf.
> > 
> > Leg 2: 9 a.m. to  11 a.m.
> > 
> > Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an 
>  Irish bar if
> > at all
> >   possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best
> > alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney.  
> However, almost
> > every
> > city in America has bars called
> > The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just 
> try to ignore the
> > fact
> > that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.
> > Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any 
> circumstances. The bar is
> > liable
> >  to be packed by noon, and real Irish
> > people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the 
> consequences.
> > While we
> >  do recommend the use of an adult
> > undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By
> > afternoon,
> > you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer
> > anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely 
> overpowered by the
> > toxic
> > stench of vomit.  We recommend starting out
> > with a few more Irish  Coffees to spike the stimulant 
> level, however, you
> > should
> >  not order an  "Irish Coffee," as you will be
> > given a fruity little glass mug topped with  whipped cream 
> and a cherry,
> > and
> > some guy named Seamus will call you a
> > yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. 
> Ask for coffee
> > with
> > whiskeyand ask the bartender to leave the
> > whipped cream can, as nothing  will add spice to your day like the
> > occasional
> > whippet.
> > 
> > Leg 3:  11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
> > 
> > It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat
> > something,
> > because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:
> > "Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die."If 
>  you want to
> > maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated
> > feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only 
> two options:
> > popcorn
> >  or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates
> > you'll need to giveyou energy, both will soak up excess bile in your
> > stomach,
> > and both have names that are hard to slur.
> > If you start slurring your words too early,you'll hear the most
> > frightening
> > phrase in the English language on St.Patrick's
> > Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".  By now, you 
> should switch off
> > of
> > coffee drinks to beer. You have only one
> > option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order 
> green beer, but
> > remember: beer doesn't always turn green
> > because of food coloring.
> > 
> > Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
> > 
> > By now,  the bar is definitely crowded as people take long 
> lunches and
> > bail out
> > of  work early to tie one on. If you're doing
> > your job correctly, the bar should  look twice or three 
> times as crowded
> > as it
> > really is.  By now, you may be
> > in conversation with some real Irish people, since the 
> person you came
> > with  has
> >  likely
> > been taken away by ambulance.  Some conversational points 
> to  remember
> > when
> > talking to the Irish are:  Football really
> > means Soccer, and  you should be more passionate about it 
> than you are
> > about
> > your wife or husband, AND The English
> > are all piss-arsed, pig- bastards who should  be lined up 
> and kicked into
> > the
> > Liffey.  If you remember those two
> > points, as well at least three derogatory names for 
> Margaret Thatcher, you
> > can
> > talk to the Irish for hours. You should
> > continue to drink Guinness  throughout this leg, although 
> you may want to
> > have
> > another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has
> > become irregular.
> > 
> > The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
> > 
> > Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the 
> bar at closing
> > time.
> >  This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol
> > content of 50 usually equals death, and you should be 
> pushing a .35 or .40
> > by
> > now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave
> > a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away 
> by the police.
> > Throw a
> >  punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why;
> > no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock,anyway. You will be beaten
> > mercilessly,
> > since your fine motor control has been
> > gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since 
> you can't feel
> > anything.  Depending on your community, the police
> > should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the 
> floor and clap
> > you in
> >  irons. The final impression you leave is the
> > most important: as you are being dragged from  the bar, 
> begin screaming
> > that you
> >  want to take your drink with you.  You
> > will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the 
> bar should
> > have had
> > his or her stomach pumped, and will be
> > able to bail you out.
> > 
> > By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's 
> Day experience
> > would be
> >  one you would never
> >  forget if it weren't physically and biologically 
> impossible for you to
> > remember
> >  any of it.
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > 
> 




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