[thechat] Big stupid plea.

[Tamara Abbey]

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At 05:49 PM 5/8/2002 +0100, you wrote:
>The thing to remeber is that you - or she - hasn't "failed", it's just
>that your
>needs, goals, outooks - everything - are, or seem, no longer compatible.
>If that
>is a false assumption, and you can both agree that actually you both want the
>same, it may yet work; if it turns out that you don't, it's no one's fault and
>the relationship won't work out. At that point, what will become clear
>about you
>and her is how you deal with that, and how you move on.

That is so true. I was married to my first husband for 11 years -- and
during the last half of our marriage we really tried to find common
interests, but we were truly incompatible. When we were young and stupid,
we thought we would just prove them all wrong.

When I left, if you had asked him, he would probably say I just woke up one
morning and decided he wasn't good enough anymore.

In reality, it had been coming apart for years and I just couldn't seem to
get through to him.

It got ugly and it seriously affected the kids.

Andy is right -- people change as they grow. Right now, my husband and I
are growing together and sometimes that has taken serious grit and
determination over the past 11 years, but we are still finding deep down we
share a common background, common goals, common interests and even though
we hit our rough spots, we have managed to grow together.

Like the one said -- try *selling* yourself to her -- not an overboard, all
out pursuit, but a public meeting, give it a little time, keep it on the
light side -- if you can find your way back to each other, wonderful.

If not, try to keep it light and you never know what might be coming in the
months ahead.

My ex now has the *perfect* partner -- they share a lot of common
interests. I don't care for her or him -- we'll never be friends, but then
we really were two very different people to begin with and now we're happy
with more compatible partners.

HTH a little -- break ups are very painful but life seems to have a way of
taking care of itself and you.

<t />
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