[thechat] Raunchy tales from the world of rebranding

martin.p.burns at uk.pwcglobal.com martin.p.burns at uk.pwcglobal.com
Wed Jun 12 05:58:01 CDT 2002


Memo from Martin P Burns of PricewaterhouseCoopers

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Given that my employers this week announced that we're about to rebrand to
a name which has caused a certain amount of hilarity, I bring you the
following from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml
=%2Fopinion%2F2002%2F06%2F12%2Fdo1204.xml

Cheers
Martin
______________________________
Following the news that the company PwC Consulting is soon to be renamed
Monday, I have decided that it is time for the rest of us to reclaim some
vocabulary from the City and from industry.

That is why I have set myself the task of writing a novel using (almost)
entirely the names of (mostly) rebranded companies, many of them real. Here
is part of the opening chapter:

It was another of those HSBC mornings. Consignia lounged on the comfortable
and exquisitely accentured first boston in the living room of her deloitte
apartment, uttered a languid sigh and thoughtfully popped another
chocolate-covered corus into her mouth. "Zanussi," she sighed again. "Oh,
arriva," she murmured to herself irritably. "Oh dot and com."

Why did life have to be so complicated? Why couldn't it be more Easyjet?
Now she was being forced to choose between her two suitors, Dexter
Industries and CementDirect. Which one should she pronuptia?

Dexter was the romantic one, but he could only offer her a standard life.
CementDirect was as dull as a quiet day in the markets, but he was also the
one with the funds. She could picture herself living with those funds.
Perhaps offshore.

Suddenly there was a sharp knock on the door. "Connex," Consignia called
out, "it's open." Dexter Industries rushed into the room. He tore off his
hat and his thick tweed amvescap and threw himself on to the luxurious
thick-piled persimmon beside the first boston where Consignia lounged.

"Irresistible fragrances!" he cried. "I am fresh from the farm gate for
you, I am krazy prices, I am utterly dulux. Whenever I see you, I feel I am
going to float. Please say that you will be everlasting mutual with me. I
am your alliance and you are my leicester. Let me lay my head upon your
lovely microsoft. Let us be together for ever and ever, like price and
waterhouse or nat and west."

In spite of his protestations, Consignia gave him a cold schroder. "I
cannot pronuptia you, because CementDirect is already my unison," she
explained. "We can only be friends provident. You must go away from here.
Forget all about me and find happiness and centrica with someone else. Why
don't you travel to somewhere remote and exotic, like Bhs or Rio Tinto?"

Dexter Industries got to his feet. "I will never find centrica with anyone
else," he declared. "If I cannot be your one and only premier corp, my life
will be worthless and I will just sink into a deep glaxosmithkline and I
could not bear that." He took a sharp diageo from his pocket and plunged it
into his prontoprint, severing a eurostar, and fell dead on the persimmon.

"Oh, online enterprises!" said Consignia crossly. "This is extremely
orange."

There was another knock on the door. "Connex," Consignia called out
impatiently, and CementDirect, her second suitor, strode into the room with
a look as grim as a profits warning.

"Toys R Us!" he exclaimed as soon as he saw the corpse of Dexter Industries
lying on the persimmon. "What have you done, Consignia?"

"It was not me," she replied. "He committed FTSE. He just suddenly plunged
that diageo into his prontoprint. It has all been perfectly harrods."

She could see by the look on CementDirect's face that he had lost corporate
trust in her. "It's true," she protested. "Surely you don't think I am
capable of MFI?"

"I just don't know," he replied. "It seems to me that while I thought you
were my unison, you have in fact had several allied holdings."

"Don't say that," Consignia replied. "You were always the one for me. There
have never been any associates."

"I now see that you only wanted me for my overseas funds. Just as I was
thinking our relationship could be consolidated. Thank goodness the barclay
dropped and I got the vision express just in time. I see now that you are
nothing but a scheming little goldfish."

At this, Consignia rose from the first boston, her eyes blazing with anger,
and she slapped CementDirect hard in the face. He put his hand to his
stinging cheek, then looked at her in astonishment.

"Dow!" he said.

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