[thechat] marital crisis update.

Janet Green JGreen at desmoinesmetro.com
Tue Jul 9 10:56:01 CDT 2002


>>>Sometimes it's not about how many hours you spend at work, it's about how
that work affects your life. I wouldn't have thought about leaving Dave if
he just worked long hours, it was because he was miserable all the time that
I couldn't think of staying. I'm also very glad that I gave him the chance
to fix the problem instead of just leaving him. Now he thanks me for giving
him the ultimatum.<<<

I *have* to jump in here. Similar situation about 2 years ago, but a few key differences in the way it turned out, so anyone considering issuing an ultimatum, beware.

Husband Steve owns a home-based used car business; business had been rotten for about 4 years. It was causing terrible money problems, lots of arguments - and yet, he remained unconcerned about the bill collectors, the utilities occasionally being shut off, and the resulting, deteriorating state of our relationship. I was freelancing at this time, so in an effort to take action myself rather than harp on him, I closed my business and found a salaried job.

Still, no effort from him to change, seek new ways to improve his business, etc. When the financial situation did not improve, and I noted that he was spending his days at home on the internet rather than focusing on running his business, I told him that he had 60 days to find a job or I was leaving. The discussion ended with him insisting that he was NOT going to get a job, that he wanted to keep his business, and I should go if I needed to. I pointed out that I had clothes already in the car and that I was prepared to take our daughter right that very moment and leave. At this point he decides I'm serious and says, well, what kind of job would I get? And I said, I don't care, just get one. He took a job as an airport baggage handler for seven dollars an hour - worked odd hours, hated every minute of it, complained constantly, resented the hell out of me, blamed me for him making him take such a low-paying job, etc etc.

He had the job for about six weeks, after which time he said, "I think I've spent enough time in hell now, I'm ready to focus on my business again." So he quit. Today, two years later, I know he still resents me and we are no better off financially than we were. Business is still rotten. I provide the only regular income our family sees, and we are still behind on everything. It amuses and yet angers me, that when this story gets told to new friends, he becomes the hero of the family who determined that he needed to get a job because his business wasn't making money. We get along pretty well, overall, but I still resent the fact that I stayed and yet nothing has really changed in our situation. I feel like *my* life is passing by, watching him have all the freedom of being a business owner who doesn't really feel a responsibility to actuall make a *profit.*

I'm not sure I should have given the ultimatum at all - I think I just should have left, but he pushed the guilt button regarding the kid ("You would take our daughter away from her father just because I don't make enough money to suit you? That's the most selfish thing I have ever heard and I can't imagine how you can justify that.") and it worked like a charm. The thing about ultimatums is, you have to be prepared to follow through - which I was, but somehow I managed to get cheated out of the opportunity.



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