[thechat] punishment (was: [ugh])

[Erika Meyer]

Janet wrote:

>  Teachers, daycare providers, friends' parents... do you tell these
>people, "My child is not to be punished, no matter what"?

I do tell them what my philosophy is.  I do ask them theirs.

I would not ever knowingly allow *anyone* to physically punish her,
but time outs are commonly used in care settings.  I cannot control
that.  If I think they are out of line, though, I would tell them,
and have done so.  My daughter is strong enough to deal, and she is
well-behaved so it isn't a huge issue.

>What is the reaction when you tell them that? Why do you think this
>is better than establishing the concept of consequences for actions?

What about positive consequences for positive actions?
Why are we at war with our children?

>"Asking" the child to modify their behavior implies that the child
>has the option to refuse.

Sorry, it usually isn't a request.  But of course, she does have a choice.

"Brook you need to ...." that is what I say.  She listens.  If for
some reason she doesn't, can't, then there are sometimes
consequences, but usually they are logical, not punitive.

Hypothetical... if she were making a lot of noise, out of control in
a movie theater or similar, I would tell her, "You need quiet down or
watch the movie, because you are disturbing people.  If you keep
disturbing people, we'll have to leave the movie."  1-2 of those
warnings are almost always enough... if not, then we leave.  It's not
punishment, it's just life.

The underlying cause may be something like she has other unmet needs.
I can figure that out, usually.

>In a lot of cases, they should NOT have that option. You're also
>teaching your daughter that someone will always be there to smooth
>things over, "work on the underlying distress," and provide her with
>lots of positive attention.

Probably not going to be a problem since I work 40 hours a week and
because she also gets lengthy visitation with her dad who has his own
care-givers.

What she is learning is to be very flexible, to listen, to control
her own actions, and most importantly, that her mother loves and
cares for her as a person even though the world can be a very
difficult and at times invalidating place.

>Again, I don't think this is realistic
>and would be interested to know how you think she's going to fare
>later in life when other influential adults do not share your
>commitment to this method.
>
>Janet


my daughter is going to kick ass!

Erika


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