[thechat] Romance Scoring

Thu Jul 18 15:00:00 CDT 2002

Ok, so while I was looking up the Ladle Rat Rotten Hut thing, I came
across this (in the "funnies" directory...there are more too!)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you'll get points.  Do something she dislikes
and points are subtracted.  You don't get any points for doing something
she expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car....................  +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
   in the car to make it to the nearest gas station................  -1
You take out the trash and stack it neatly by the curb............  +1
You take out the trash at 4:30 pm, just as the truck pulls away...  -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.................  +1
You leave them under the bed......................................  -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
   with wings......................................................  +5
But return with beer..............................................  -5
You leave the toilet seat up......................................  -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.................   0
You make the bed..................................................  +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........   0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................  -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night.........................   0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.................   0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...............  +5
You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10
It's her father................................................... -10

Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party.............................   0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
   college drinking buddy..........................................  -2
Named Tiffany.....................................................  -4
Tiffany is a dancer...............................................  -6
Tiffany has implants..............................................  -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her..........  +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"......  -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
   you think she is cute, you say, "Yes, but not as cute as you"...  +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's cute
   you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"............  -6
That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it.................................   0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle......  -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-----------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet....................................  +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit..............................  +7
You get rid of a dead rodent......................................  +8
You remove the cat from the blender............................... +12
You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16

Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together.......................................  +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
   park the car....................................................  +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
   to a sports bar.................................................  -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...  +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional..   0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk.............  +3
Most of it chips and beer.........................................  -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15
Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16
Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17
Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket......  -6
And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15
You visit her parents.............................................  +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation..............  +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........  -3
And the television is off.........................................  -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear.......  -6
And you didn't even go to college................................. -10
And it's not your own underwear................................... -15

Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner........................................   0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..............  +1
Okay, it really IS a sports bar...................................  -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....................................  -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
   painted the colors of your favorite team........................ -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player......  +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
   and sing........................................................  +4
And you stink.....................................................  +2
And you're not half bad...........................................  +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out
   to much applause................................................  -2
You give her a gift...............................................   0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance...............  +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.......................  +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
With her credit card.............................................. -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40

Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50

A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal.................................................  -5
And the pal is happily married....................................  -4
Or frighteningly single...........................................  -7
And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15
You have a few beers..............................................  -9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200

Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
   friends.........................................................  +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
   late............................................................ +10
You wait up....................................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
   but not before she pukes in the bathroom........................ +25
Which you clean up................................................ +35

A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together.............................................   0
You rent a movie..................................................  +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY.....................  +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............  +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep......................  -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............  -2

A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie...........................................  +2
You take her to a movie she likes.................................  +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand)  +6
You take her to a movie you like..................................  -2
It's called DeathBlaster 3........................................  -7
Which features cyborgs having sex.................................  -9
You lied and said it was a film about orphans and puppies......... -15

Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected.......................   0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........  +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.....................................-25

Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
   Hawaiian shirts.................................................  -5

Grooming
--------
You trim your nails...............................................  +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends.........................................  +2
You don't shave on the weekends...................................  -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either............................  -8
But then, neither does she........................................  +8

Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical.................  -5
Something she can't use........................................... -10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20
And your kid needs braces......................................... -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces......................... -120

Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip.................................  -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
   and personal.................................................... -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60

The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................  -5
   (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
   what looks like a concerned expression..........................   0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...........  +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10

--
bob davis
bob at bobdavis.org
http://www.bobdavis.org/