[thechat] Romance Scoring

Thu Jul 18 22:10:00 CDT 2002

Just thought I'd forward this along...

> In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
> Do something she likes and you'll get points.  Do something she dislikes
> and points are subtracted.  You don't get any points for doing something
> she expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played.
>
> Simple Duties
> -------------
> You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car....................  +1
> You make sure there are barely enough fumes
> in the car to make it to the nearest gas station................  -1
> You take out the trash and stack it neatly by the curb............  +1
> You take out the trash at 4:30 pm, just as the truck pulls away...  -1
> You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.................  +1
> You leave them under the bed......................................  -5
> You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
> with wings......................................................  +5
> But return with beer..............................................  -5
> You leave the toilet seat up......................................  -1
> You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.................   0
> You make the bed..................................................  +1
> You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........   0
> You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................  -1
> You check out a suspicious noise at night.........................   0
> You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.................   0
> You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...............  +5
> You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10
> It's her father................................................... -10
>
> Social Engagements
> ------------------
> You stay by her side the entire party.............................   0
> You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
> college drinking buddy..........................................  -2
> Named Tiffany.....................................................  -4
> Tiffany is a dancer...............................................  -6
> Tiffany has implants..............................................  -8
> When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her..........  +1
> When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"......  -5
> When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
> you think she is cute, you say, "Yes, but not as cute as you"...  +1
> When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's cute
> you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"............  -6
> That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
> You have one drink, and that's it.................................   0
> You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle......  -2
> You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18
>
> Things Of A Disgusting Nature
> -----------------------------
> You unclog a stopped-up toilet....................................  +6
> You clean up cat, dog or human vomit..............................  +7
> You get rid of a dead rodent......................................  +8
> You remove the cat from the blender............................... +12
> You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16
>
> Saturday Afternoon
> ------------------
> You go to the mall together.......................................  +3
> You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
> park the car....................................................  +4
> You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
> to a sports bar.................................................  -2
> You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...  +3
> You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional..   0
> You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk.............  +3
> Most of it chips and beer.........................................  -6
> You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15
> Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16
> Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17
> Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18
> Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket......  -6
> And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15
> You visit her parents.............................................  +1
> You visit her parents and actually make conversation..............  +3
> You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........  -3
> And the television is off.........................................  -6
> You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear.......  -6
> And you didn't even go to college................................. -10
> And it's not your own underwear................................... -15
>
> Her Birthday
> ------------
> You take her out to dinner........................................   0
> You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..............  +1
> Okay, it really IS a sports bar...................................  -2
> And it's all-you-can-eat night....................................  -3
> It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
> painted the colors of your favorite team........................ -10
> You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player......  +3
> You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
> and sing........................................................  +4
> And you stink.....................................................  +2
> And you're not half bad...........................................  +5
> You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out
> to much applause................................................  -2
> You give her a gift...............................................   0
> You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
> You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance...............  +1
> You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.......................  +2
> You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
> You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
> With her credit card.............................................. -30
> And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40
>
> Thoughtfulness
> --------------
> You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
> You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
> You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
> Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35
> And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50
>
> A Night Out With The Boys
> -------------------------
> Go out with a pal.................................................  -5
> And the pal is happily married....................................  -4
> Or frighteningly single...........................................  -7
> And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
> With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15
> You have a few beers..............................................  -9
> And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
> You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
> You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
> And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
> Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200
>
> Her Night Out
> -------------
> You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
> friends.........................................................  +5
> She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
> late............................................................ +10
> You wait up....................................................... +15
> She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
> She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
> but not before she pukes in the bathroom........................ +25
> Which you clean up................................................ +35
>
> A Night At Home
> ---------------
> You watch TV together.............................................   0
> You rent a movie..................................................  +1
> You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY.....................  +3
> It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............  +5
> It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep......................  -1
> It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............  -2
>
> A Night Out
> -----------
> You take her to a movie...........................................  +2
> You take her to a movie she likes.................................  +4
> You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand)  +6
> You take her to a movie you like..................................  -2
> It's called DeathBlaster 3........................................  -7
> Which features cyborgs having sex.................................  -9
> You lied and said it was a film about orphans and puppies......... -15
>
> Flowers
> -------
> You buy her flowers only when it's expected.......................   0
> You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........  +5
> You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10
> And she contracts Lyme disease.....................................-25
>
> Your Physique
> -------------
> You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15
> You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10
> You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
> Hawaiian shirts.................................................  -5
>
> Grooming
> --------
> You trim your nails...............................................  +5
> You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
> You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
> You shave on the weekends.........................................  +2
> You don't shave on the weekends...................................  -4
> You don't bathe on the weekends either............................  -8
> But then, neither does she........................................  +8
>
> Finances
> --------
> You spend a lot of money on something impractical.................  -5
> Something she can't use........................................... -10
> Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20
> And your kid needs braces......................................... -30
> In fact, all four of the kids need braces......................... -120
>
> Driving
> -------
> You lose the directions on a trip.................................  -4
> You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10
> You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15
> You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
> and personal.................................................... -25
> She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60
>
> The Big Question
> ----------------
> She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................  -5
> (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
> You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
> You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25
>
> Communication
> -------------
> When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
> what looks like a concerned expression..........................   0
> When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...........  +5
> You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10
> She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10
>
>
> --
> bob davis
> bob at bobdavis.org
> http://www.bobdavis.org/
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> ____
> Ha! In your face, thingy buddhawhatsit *:p