[thechat] The Wifely Duty

[Erika Meyer]

Matt Plunkett wrote:
>There's a pretty obvious problem with the below setup: without Man #1 taking
>some of Man #3's duties, you'd never get a child.  Or does Man #3 contribute
>his genes, but then lose all parenting rights?

Yeah if you actually want to create (more) children you'd have to
modify.  Which I don't so I'm not going to spend brain cells on it.

FWIW I was pretty hooked into the monogamous marriage model for a
long time.  Didn't work for me.  And I found many of my friends were
experiencing the same thing... partnership (with or without marriage)
children... then separation, divorce... divorce feels like failure to
many people.  Or my Greek friend: "In Greece we don't get divorced,
we have affairs."  What's worse?  Breaking up a family or having
someone on the side?

There are a lot of single women out there in their prime sexual
years, mothering, breadwinning...  and wishing to find a nice man to
marry but they can't find him because the "good ones" are gone, the
ones who do not avoid commitment are committed.  Others don't want
kids, or can't grow up themselves... etc.

Should single women, particularly single mothers, be expected to live
celibate lives?  Is that their just punishment for failing to keep a
man?  Should they find a slacker boyfriend who lays around while they
bust their ass on the job everyday?  Should they engage in one night
stands?  Should spend their evenings with a mechanical toy?   When
these are the options available, well... I think my set-up looks
pretty good.  I like men.

My point: the one-size-fits all way of approaching relationships (and
life in general) just doesn't do it for a lot of people.  I sort of
feel like the whole idea of a monogamous one-on-one
happily-ever-after marriage forever until death as the ideal and
natural state we all good people can and should achieve... well, it's
a lie.  It's difficult under the best of circumstances (family
support, money, compatibility, lack of addictions) and most of us
aren't blessed with the best of circumstances.

When things don't work out, people tend to feel like failures, to
point fingers, to blame.   It's like this fantasy is broken to pieces.

IMHO it's better to accept reality and be creative with it.  And put
away the hard feelings.

If you are unmarried, and you find "the one" and you know want to
marry -- by all means, do it.  Especially if you are in good
circumstances and want children and you want a high level of
commitment from your partner.

You'll find your own way to navigate the twists and turns life hands out....

Erika

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