[thelist] Suggestions

[Rob Smith]

Message from Ian Cannonier (7/9/2003 04:41 PM)
>I'm currently building a new site for myself and I've ran out of ideas
>put on it.
>Please have a look / play and let me know your thoughts
>
>http://www.cannonier.co.uk

Ian,

>The copy on your 'about us' -> 'who we are' page is particularly weak.

I took a quick glance at this page after Marc's comments and wondered why it
was weak. There are a couple of things to fix that require your immediate
attention.

1) Run a spell checker (there are 3 e's in the word believe). There may be
more, but I don't know.

2) Limit your use of "As well as" at the beginning of a sentence. It's
typically used for joining two ideas in between a sentence as well as
helping the two ideas become one thought process. 

3) And what's up with:
  Who are we?
  Why choose us  <-- is there '?' mark missing?
or.. 
  Who we are
  Why choose us  <-- and the problem is solved

4) "With over 15 years experience within the IT sector." is not a complete
sentence. 

Look, I'm not going to sit here and critique your page on every minute
detail; it needs a lot more work. Read it backwards or have someone else
read it aloud and see how it sounds. You'll be surprised.

I'm anxious to see how you turn this and all the other comments around!

HTH,

Rob.Smith