[thechat] Driving in America

Erika Meyer meyer at up.edu
Wed Feb 28 17:00:55 CST 2001




PS: here are the the 'unofficial'
California Driving Rules:

1. When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles
in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly,
vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need
to stop.

2. If, at any time, you have witnessed a green
light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection,
regardless of the current color of the light.

3. The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving
a Porsche.

4. If you paid more than $60,000 for your car,
you automatically have the right of way, regardless of
the situation. This is especially applicable in parking

5. Drive as quickly as possible through parking
structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car
lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard
the angry mob that has formed behind you.

6. Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.

7. While driving on the freeway and talking on
your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH.
This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

8. Every lane is the suicide lane.

9. Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting
before leaving your car in a parking ramp.

10. During rush hour, drivers should pass the time
by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and
practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.

11. If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut
across six lanes of traffic and drive over the
divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross
it, they would make it out of concrete instead of
icicle plants.

12. For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact
cars. Honest.

13. To calculate the proper speed limit on the
freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this
number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely,
add your age to 100 if you are driving on the U.S. 101
or suffering from a midlife crisis.

14. If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow
down exactly where you are and start looking for

15. If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase.
You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll
make  live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to
throw random items out of your window. It will
give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5,
6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o' clock news.

16. Never use your turn signal, unless of course
you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

17. Totally disregard on-coming traffic.

18. If there are already three cars stopped at a
four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one > of
those cars might go ahead of you!

19. Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5
AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create
airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.

20. Never Carpool.

21. Take full advantage of your right to u-turn.
Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn
around in driveways.

22. In case of rain, immediately pull over. You
can not drive in any sort of precipitation.

23. While driving uphill, do not down shift.
While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

24. When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out,
set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the
alarm, and put The Club on your steering wheel.

25. On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the
center divider as a passing lane.

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