[thechat] Coming to SXSW (Austin)? Some things you should know.
Seth Bienek
seth at sethbienek.com
Wed Feb 28 17:34:25 CST 2001
Normally I wouldn't forward this type of thing to anyone, much less a list,
but in light of recent commentary here, I found more humor in it than I
normally would. Most of it's exaggerated, but some of it's true (#s 3 and 8
for example).. :) Sorry so long.. Pennance to follow.
Foreigner's Travel Guide to Texas:
Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in
Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of
people to the state, including many who are not used
to Texas ways. They might find the following advice
useful.
1. Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta
primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They
serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them
cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll
kick your ass.
2. Don't laugh at the names Merleen, Bodie, Bubba,
Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy,
Clovis, etc. Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In
Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether
it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever it's
still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to
an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer than you.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll
kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard
Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell
computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses
in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not
dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so
they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do
that they would get a serious ass kickin'.
6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to
Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the
Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or
we'll kick your ass.
7. We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the
humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand
the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your
ass.
8. Do not attempt to eat tamales without first
removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a Yankee.
9. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the
chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this
will get your ass kicked into next week.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are at
home because we know they are not. Many of us have
visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and
DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't
like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your
ass on home-before we kick it.
11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk
this way because we don't want to sound like you. We
don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
All other Texans understand what we are saying and
that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick
your ass.
12. Don't complain that certain areas of this state
smells of oil. If your livelihood depended on those
wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides,
None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your
ass all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.
13. Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and
ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our
seats to old folks. Such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your
ass-just like they did ours.
14. Don't think we're quaint or losers because most
of us live in small towns. We do this because we have
enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools
like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll
kick your ass.
15. DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This
will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine
box-minus your ass.
Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be
here in the first place is because we have not pulled
the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on
the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your
ass out.
Enjoy your visit.
Seth
------------------------------
Seth Bienek
Solutions Development Manager
Stonebridge Technologies, Inc.
972.455.7294 tel
972.404.9754 fax
ICQ #7673959
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