[thechat] Coming to SXSW (Austin)? Some things you should know.

Seth Bienek seth at sethbienek.com
Wed Feb 28 17:34:25 CST 2001

Normally I wouldn't forward this type of thing to anyone, much less a list,
but in light of recent commentary here, I found more humor in it than I
normally would.  Most of it's exaggerated, but some of it's true (#s 3 and 8
for example).. :)  Sorry so long.. Pennance to follow.

  Foreigner's Travel Guide to Texas:

      Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in
      Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of
      people to the state, including many who are not used
      to Texas ways. They might find the following advice

      1. Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta
      primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They
      serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them
      cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll
      kick your ass.

      2. Don't laugh at the names Merleen, Bodie, Bubba,
      Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy,
      Clovis, etc. Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.

      3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In
      Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether
      it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever it's
      still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to
      an ass kicking.

      4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
      than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also
      better educated and generally a lot nicer than you.
      Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll
      kick your ass.

      5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard
      Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell
      computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses
      in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not
      dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so
      they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do
      that they would get a serious ass kickin'.

      6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
      listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to
      Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the
      Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or
      we'll kick your ass.

      7. We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the
      humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand
      the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your

      8. Do not attempt to eat tamales without first
      removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will
      instantly know that you're a Yankee.

      9. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the
      chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this
      will get your ass kicked into next week.

      10. Don't talk about how much better things are at
      home because we know they are not. Many of us have
      visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and
      DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't
      like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your
      ass on home-before we kick it.

      11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk
      this way because we don't want to sound like you. We
      don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
      All other Texans understand what we are saying and
      that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick
      your ass.

      12. Don't complain that certain areas of this state
      smells of oil. If your livelihood depended on those
      wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides,
      None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
      If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your
      ass all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.

      13. Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and
      ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our
      seats to old folks. Such things are expected of
      civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
      little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your
      ass-just like they did ours.

      14. Don't think we're quaint or losers because most
      of us live in small towns. We do this because we have
      enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools
      like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll
      kick your ass.

      15. DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This
      will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
      Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine
      box-minus your ass.

      Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be
      here in the first place is because we have not pulled
      the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on
      the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your
      ass out.

      Enjoy your visit.


Seth Bienek
Solutions Development Manager
Stonebridge Technologies, Inc.
972.455.7294 tel
972.404.9754 fax
ICQ #7673959

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