[thechat] Parenthood

Michele Wandrei michele at inthree.com
Tue Apr 10 12:51:26 CDT 2001

In honor of Seth's new baby (he's beautiful!) and all the other new and
soon-to-be parents on the list, here's another one I dug up.  Seth, give it a
few months and this will be really funny.  #10 is more true than you would

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery.  Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or

1.  Women:  to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a 25
pound beanbag down the front.  Leave it there for 9 months.  After 9 months,
remove 10% of the beans.

Men:  to prepare for maternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents
of your wallet on the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.  Then
go to the supermarket.  Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office.  Go home.  Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2.  Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their
children to run riot.  Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.  Enjoy
it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3.  To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to
10pm carrying a wet bag weighing between 8-12 lbs.  At 10pm, put down the bag,
set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.  Get up at 12 and walk around the
living room again, with the bag, until 1 am.  Set the alarm for 3am.  As you
can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink.  Go to bed at 2:45
am.  Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.  Sing songs in the dark
until 4am.  Put the alarm on for 5am.  Get up.  Make breakfast.  Keep this up
for 5 years.   Look cheerful.

4.  Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.  Hide a fish finger behind the stereo
and leave it there all summer.  Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then
rub them on the clean walls.  Cover the stains with crayons.  How does that

5.  Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.  First buy an octopus
and a draw-string bag.  Attempt to put the octopus into the draw-string bag so
that none of the arms hand out.  Time allowed for this -- all morning.

6.  Take an egg carton and using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn
it into an alligator.  Now take a toilet tube and using only scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree.  Last, take a milk container, a
ping-pong ball, and an empty package of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica
of the Eiffel Tower.  Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on
the play group committee.

7.  Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van.  And don't think you can leave it out
in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don't look like that.  Buy
a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment and leave it
there.  Get a quarter and stick it in the cassette player.  Take a family size
package of chocolate cookies and mash them down the back seats.  Run a garden
rake along both sides of the car.  There -- Perfect!

8.  Get ready to go out.  Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.  Go out
the front door.  Come in again.  Go out.  Come back in.  Go out again.  Walk
down the front path.  Walk back up it.  Walk down it again.  Walk slowly down
the road for 5 minutes.  Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.  Retrace
your steps.  Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the
neighbors come out and stare at you.  Give up and go back in the house.  You
are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9.  Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10.  Go to your local supermarket.  Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent.  If you intend
to have more than one child, take more than one goat.  Buy your week's
groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for everything the
goats destroy or eat.  Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even
contemplate having children.

11.  Hollow out a melon.  Make a small hole in the side.  Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side.  Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops
and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an
airplane.  Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone.  Tip the rest into
your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.  You are now  ready
to feed a 12 month old baby.

12.  Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (don't forget Pokemon).  When you
find yourself singing "I love you, love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify
as a parent.
Michele Wandrei
inThree Design

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