[thechat] this is a dead dotcom (was: Fiorinian Rhapsody)

Bob Davis bobd at members.evolt.org
Thu Dec 20 21:50:03 CST 2001

At 4:21 PM -0900 12/19/01, David McCreath wrote:

>I've been searching all day for your dotcom adaptation of the dead 
>parrot sketch. Do you still have that lying around? Does anyone else?

Sorry...was out of town for the day and just got this.

Here it is:

(sent 09 june, 01 at about 1:40 GMT -4...the subject was "Hello, Miss?")

Customer: I wish to register a complaint about this stock, what I 
purchased not half hour ago from this very brokerage.

Broker: Oh yes, the Dot-Com, what's aah, what's wrong with it?

Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, 
that's what's wrong with it.

Broker: No, no, 'e's ah... he's strategizing.

Customer : Look, matey, I know a dead Dot-Com when I see one, and I'm 
looking at one right now.

Broker : No no, h-he's not dead, he's, he's strategizin'!

Customer : Strategizin'?

Broker : Y-yeah, Strategizin.' Remarkable stock, the Dot-Com, isn't 
it, eh? Beautiful website!
Customer : The website don't enter into it. It's stone dead!

Broker : Nononono, no, no! 'E's strategizin!

Customer : All right then, if he's strategizing, I'll wake him up! 
(shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Dotty! Mister Dot-Comie! I've got a 
lovely fresh IPO for you if you wake up, Mr. Dot-Com...
Broker : There, he moved!

Customer : No, he didn't, that was you sending out a press release!

Broker : I never!!

Customer : Yes, you did!

Broker : I never, never....

I call a dead parrot.

Broker: No, no.... No, he's reorganizing.


Broker : Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Dot-Coms 
stun easily, major.
Customer : Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That 
Dot-Com is definitely deceased, and when I bought it not half an hour 
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it 
being tired and shagged out after a long martket expansion.

Broker : Well, he's... he's, ah... probably developin' a patent portfolio.

Customer : DEVELOPIN' a PATENT PORTFOLIO? What kind of talk is that? 
Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Broker : The Dot-Com prefers kippin' new marketin strategies! 
Remarkable stock, isn't it, guv, eh? Lovely website!

Customer : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that stock 
when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been 
sitting on the market in the first place was that it had been NAILED 

Broker : Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that 
stock down, it would have nuzzled up to those markets, bent 'em apart 
with its little B2B sales force, and VOOM!

Customer : "VOOM?"

Customer : Look matey, this stock wouldn't "voom" if you put four 
thousand venture capitalists through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Broker : It's not! I-It's patenting!

Customer : It's not patenetin,' it's passed on! This company is no 
more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! 
This is a late stock! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in 
peace! If you hadn't nailed him up with venture capital he would be 
pushing up the daisies! Its business processes are of interest only 
to historians! It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal 
coil! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! 
This.... is an F*CKED-COMPANY!

bob davis
bobd at members.evolt.org

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