[thechat] Big stupid plea.

Joe Crawford jcrawford at avencom.com
Wed May 8 10:31:02 CDT 2002


Very much a change of pace for this list. Interpersonal angst and
unhappiness. Soliciting advice. I'm not sure what I expect, if anything.

I'm not sure how f---ed up it is that I'm asking this list about this, but
online is where I fell in love with Jennifer, and online will be one of the
places I seek input and advice dammit. I don't care if it's dirty laundry.

A very few of you know that I'm experiencing marital difficulties of the
worst kind. Jenny has moved out, and I am here at home with the Cat. We met
in 1995 online, and have been psychologically inseparable since then. She
moved from Miami to Los Angeles to be with me, and we've had many adventures
and a deep love between us. We moved to San Diego in 1999 for her to get her
B.A. and we got married.

But in the past year we've managed to lose the spark - job stresses (her
inability to find work, my inability to be truly happy in my work for a few
months alternating with me basically being a workaholic) - money stresses
(basically in the form of debt) - and a lack of enthusiasm for each other -
and a lack of affection.

We have *both* *talked* about marital counseling for the past several months
but neither of us did anything about it - in retrospect this was a stupid
move on at least my part - I didn't attend to what needed attending, and she
began to seek affection elsewhere - nothing sexual so I understand - but the
mental stimulation - which is more important to women so I hear it -- and I
play the cuckold.

So in the past several months she found a job which she loves, and begins to
save some money and get some enthusiasm for life - and I in the meantime am
spending less time online, trying to get out into the world with her and do
things, coming home from work at a reasonable time -- trying to be more
*present* as a husband and express my feelings for her.

But on Saturday she explicitly went on a date, and she's now moved into a
hotel, and has lined up an apartment she'll be staying with a girlfriend in
a roommate type situation indefinitely. Always with the idea that we work it
out.

Problem is, I now have alternating rage of betrayal and angst of all the
times I was less a husband than I could have been and sorrow at the failure
that is my present situation -- mourning for my Marriage. I feel that there
is hope, but have no idea what to do.

Family Background - I come from stable parents, we traveled the world, but
pretty traditional in terms of family roles, and they have managed to stay
together, despite a terrible run for a few years in 1992-ish where they
nearly split up. Now they're the better and more in love than ever. Jenny
comes from divorced parents, they divorced when she was very young (I want
to say she was 7 years old at the time). For several years she has not
talked to her father at all, but has reconnected with him in the past year
and been very happy about it.

She was young when we first started speaking (she, 17 almost 18, I, 25) - we
met online - I flew to Miami to meet her several months after we started
talking (she was 18 by then, and I was 26) and it was bliss altogether. I've
always loved her capacity to see things in a new light, and bring a fresh
take to them. She in turn I think responded to my own experiences. But the
shine is off the apple -- we have grown apart and she is finally seeing what
I've known all along, that she can do anything she puts her mind to. Turns
out though, that I may not be what she wants to put her mind to.

And here's (finally) my questions for this group of people who are probably
appalled by my bringing this here.

How do separations *work*? Do they ever work?
Do they inevitably end in divorce?

One of the things she's said to me is that we may find that after divorcing
we may end up re-marrying. I have seen this phenomenon before and I'm deeply
confused by it - what's *that* about?

How do people manage to *grow* together? To evolve and change and yet
maintain a strong enough focus on what binds them to stay together and love
each other?

How important is age in relationships. I know theoretically they don't
matter, but it feels important here.

Jenny and I have always been friends, which is good, but given how I feel, I
can't see how that could be maintained. Is it possible to be friends with an
ex-spouse?

And finally, I've had all kinds of stupid thoughts because I'm so
web-centric to do some kind of online stunt where I try to win her back.
I've also considered doing things like picketing her workplace (I was
thinking signs like "GIVE JOE A SECOND CHANCE") with a group of friends to
try and demonstrate my crazy seriousness - but again, the few remaining
rational parts of my brain tell me that's an incredibly bad idea. My Dad
says I should chill and focus on myself, and NOT chase her. His theory  is
that women will recoil when chased. Still, one of the things she always
liked about me was somewhat daring nature. I remember the day I told her I
was thinking of quitting doing Respiratory Therapy cold turkey and get a web
job. Scared shitless, but she supported me, and we survived.

But if that's the case, how do I express my resolve that I love and care for
her, while still staying separated? I've always tried to be about the zen
thing - set free what you love - and have always given her space and time to
think and she's always come back to me - she went to Miami earlier in the
year for some space, but she came back and things seemed good. But now I
fear that we crossed some invisible line that only she knows about. I think
my marriage is a dead shark - not moving forward, but stopped, dying on the
ocean floor. Which is kind of apt because I truly feel like I'm drowning -
the sorrow I've felt in the past few days has been worse than anything. I've
felt heartache in my life, but this is worse than I could possibly imagine.

And clearly, I'm in a state of desperation.

If anything, just venting, here, and to friends, and to my sister and
parents, is a strange kind of therapeutic process.

Any input, on or offline (joe (at) artlung.com) is welcome.

Thanks,

    - Joe








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