[thechat] Big stupid plea.

Luther, Ron Ron.Luther at hp.com
Wed May 8 15:13:08 CDT 2002


Hi Joe,


Welcome to the community.  Honest - I don't mean that sarcastically.  We've had some other very personal very painful threads on here from folks recovering from dependecies and other things ... so I don't see this as out of place at all - as community we *are* friends and supporters.  We're here for each other, pal!

That said ... I'm probably the last person you want to get love-life advice from.  Really.  I've been divorced twice ... I left my first wife, my second left me. Each was painful, but they were also very different kinds of pain. [... and that's not even getting into the "second-hand" pain that wafts out from the two of you to envelop your friends and family and the rippling repercussions of their reactions and resultant backlash ...]  Each experience has taught me different things about who I am and what's important to me.

For me relations with my 1st ex will always be strained.  OTOH - my 2nd ex is still one of my very closest friends.  I like her new husband and I'm perfectly comfortably dropping in to spend an afternoon with them when I'm back in that part of the country.

{The "age" thing is particularly painful for me to get into, Joe.  I was very much involved with and in love with a woman who was 10 years my senior.  She was absolutely wonderful and quite probably the most "zestfully alive" person I have ever known.  We'd walk through fountains in city centers like Philly (read my lips - not 'around' - I said THROUGH! [Spish, splash!])... slow dance our way around crowded restaurants waiting for our food ... she was just an incredibly FUN person.  However ... the spectre of age haunted me ... we didn't marry because I was an asshole. I was concerned about the age difference.  I was terrified that she would retire and want to travel and do fun things ... but I would have to work - for years to come.  I guess I projected onto her a resentment that I thought she would feel for me.}

Eh, but that's me ... So what's your best move?  As usual - "It Depends".  You know her and your life together better than we do.  Personally, I'd say sitting back and brooding ... waiting for her to come back to you would most likely qualify as a *bad* strategy.  Hopefully you can come up with some ways you can invite her to share life and adventures without being pushy.  Call and suggest a picnic at a winery ... or go rollerblading for an afternoon ... do something fun together.

In the end the decision is up to the two of you.  If I'd make any recommendation at all - I'd say "Choose happiness."  [Of course the tough part is figuring out what that means for you ... and her.]

Best of Luck!

HTH,

RonL.
(Who's getting married again ... a little over 3 months from now.)





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