[thechat] Re: Big stupid plea

Cheryl Baringer cheryl.baringer at alcatel.com
Wed May 8 19:40:00 CDT 2002


Yee-ouch. That hurts. Hi Joe.

First, let me give you a little background - my husband and I have been
married 20 years, as of this August. No, I won't tell you they have been
20 blissful years. There have been some blissful times and some
gawd-awful times. And that's the way relationships are, full of ups and
downs. Recognizing that, and being stubborn/strong/foolish enough
(depending on your point of view) to hang on thru the bad period, until
the next good period is key to maintaining a relationship. I'm sure your
parents would tell you the same.

Now Jenny is around 25, right? About the same age as you were when you
met. She was VERY young when you met. Obviously she had not had time to
have much life experience, including love experience. And it's been
seven years. Yes, the seven year itch does exist. And about age 25, most
women will make a reassessment of their lives: "am I doing what I want
to", "am I the person that I want to be", "gee, my mom was married and
had kids when she was my age, should I be doing the same thing? "Oh my
gawd, I AM doing the same thing, I gotta get outta here!" So for her to
be questioning her life at this age is normal. For her to question
whether you, her first major love experience (I assume), is really the
"right" person is also normal, at this period of your relationship. SOME
of the factors driving her thought processes are just normal for her
age, so are out of your control.

Now a question: DO YOU LOVE JENNY?   I don't mean love that makes your
body tingly when you think of her, or life is so sweet when she is
around, or she makes you laugh, or I'm lonesome without her, or we've
been together so long I don't want to lose her kind of love. Do you love
her so much that when life goes to HELL in a hand basket, you stay with
her UNconditionally? So much that you would die to save her? Think about
that. That means that her life is worth more to you than your own. (And
that in itself might show a need for some serious counseling, I don't
know... ;>)

Now with the answer to that question in hand, you know whether or not
you should pursue this relationship. But don't embarass her at work,
don't make it a public thing. Make it quiet, personal, and let her have
a chance to think about it. Write her a poem.  TELL her how you feel.
And ASK her what that invisible line is that you feel you've crossed.
And what she thinks it will take to erase that line. Does she still
answer your phone calls? email? snail mail ? Heck, try a mushy Hallmark
card, what have you got to lose?

Good luck.
Best,
Cheryl Baringer



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