[thechat] Big stupid plea.

isaac isaac at members.evolt.org
Wed May 8 21:38:00 CDT 2002


Hi Joe,

Umm, my wife and I separated this January just past after 2 years. It wasn't
quite a horrible downward spiral prior to that, but just a moment or so that
sparked us thinking more seriously that maybe we'd reached the point where
you say "we're too different", and leap forward with the split. With some
big compromises, we could've made it work, but I don't know if we'd've been
able to look back on that continuation in x years and think that we'd done
the right thing.

We slept in different bedrooms just until we sold our townhouse and got out.

Right now, even though I'm without someone whom I can shower with affection,
and not particularly enjoying it, I think we made the right decision. I miss
having a partner to share life with more than I miss her specifically, and I
think that's somewhat indicative.


At some stage in the year leading up to our separation, we spoke to a
counsellor, but that was mostly about her family issues. As with your
situation, my family has been very stable, whereas her parents divorced when
she was around 4 or so.

In Australia, a couple must be separated for one year before applying for
divorce, so I guess we'll do that when the time arrives.


> But on Saturday she explicitly went on a date,

I wish I could say something other than "It's over", but that's a pretty
harsh sign! :(

Then again, we (my situation) never got to a point like that, so maybe I
wouldn't know.


> How do separations *work*? Do they ever work?
> Do they inevitably end in divorce?

My situation: we separated only because we weren't able to divorce
immediately. We were pretty confident that splitting was the right thing. If
we got back together, my gut feeling is that it would be for the wrong
reasons (companionship, sex, etc -- hey, they're great reasons, but there
needs to be more there!).


> Is it possible to be friends with an ex-spouse?

NFI. We have some contact (she emailed this morning to ask if we could talk
about something tonight), but for the most part I prefer to completely
forget about her so that I avoid feelings of "Is she with someone else, blah
blah blah".

> And finally, I've had all kinds of stupid thoughts because I'm so
> web-centric to do some kind of online stunt where I try to win her back.

DO NOT DO THAT.

Web stunts are lame. Get off the computer. Seriously. Talk to her in person!


Work out what you want to do. If you want to try again with her, go to her,
stay calm, and make it clear. And then leave her alone to consider things.


Wish I could offer more help.


isaac





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