[thechat] If men wrote for Cosmopolitan

[Madhu Menon]

Continuing my lunatic streak on thechat lately, here's a good one forwarded
to me by one of my female friends.

(WARNING: contains matter of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such
material, please ignore this email.)


And now that you are now more eager to read the mail after that warning,
here goes...

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IF MEN WROTE FOR COSMOPOLITAN, THIS IS HOW THEY'D ANSWER QUESTIONS:


Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you.  He cannot get enough of you, so
he goes for the next best thing???your sister.  Far from being an issue,
this will bring all of the family together.  Why not get some cousins
involved?  If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your
relatives, buy him a nice expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him
A: Do it.  Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful.  It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a
great glow to the skin.  Interestingly, a man knows this.  His offer to you
to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless.  Oral sex is extremely
painful for a man.  This shows he loves you.  Best thing to do to thank him
is buy him a nice expensive present and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour ? and it should be encouraged. The
man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from
being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to
get back to you is a relief for your partner.  Just look back at how
emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.  Best
thing to do is to buy him a nice expensive present, cook him a nice meal
and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband does not know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband.  If you must mess with
it, do it in your own time.  To help with the family budget you may wish to
video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets.  To
ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook
him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful.  What it means is that you do not
love your man as much as you should ? he has to work a lot to get you in
the mood.  Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying
a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth.  It is fostered by militant, man hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit.  Don't mention it again to
him and show your love by buying him a nice expensive present and don't
forget cooking him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I am ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend.  He will know when the time is right.  When it comes
to love and sex men are much more responsible, since they're not confused
emotionally as are women.  It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES.  Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again this is entirely up to the man.  The important thing to remember
is that  you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange
to you.  Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good.
Anything under that and you may be rushing your man.  After your man has
finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly,
and go out with his friends to play golf.  Or perhaps another activity,
such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming
large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his
buddies. Don't feel left out while he's gone?you can busy yourself by doing
his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him
an expensive gift.  He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay " ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy.  "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after the love making .  This includes lighting his cigarette, making a
sandwich or pizza, bringing a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes.  Although many women believe that quality, not quantity is
important, studies show this is simply not true.  The average erect male
penis measures about 3 inches.  Anything longer than this is extremely rare
and if by some chance your lover's sexual is 4 inches or over, you should
go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible
to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, buying
him an expensive present and cooking him a nice meal.