[thechat] punishment (was: [ugh])

[Michele Wandrei]

What an interesting thread!  I teach a parenting class at a local
mission for recovering addicts.  We spend a LOT of time
discussing the difference between punishment and discipline.

Punishment is not discipline.  Discipline is teaching, guiding,
learning.  Punishment is usually motivated by revenge.  The
thought that "I'll show you!" or "I can't let that kid get away
with that!" drives us to punish.  That really does set up a
battle.  Both the parent and the child dig in and the situation
escalates.

Most of us were raised with at least some exposure to spanking,
yelling, taking away privileges, etc.  That's what was modeled,
so that's what we know.  It's very difficult to break that
pattern, especially for single parents who were abused as kids
(and as adults).  It really IS a major shift in thinking, but it
is possible and it works.  Actually, positive discipline is much
easier in the long run!

Discipline means telling the kid to change his or her behavior,
and as Janet said, noticing and praising them when they do!  It
means establishing consequences that the child will learn from,
not just to hurt them or to "show them."  It means teaching them
and talking openly about what is expected and what behavior is
appropriate.   Discipline is much harder, at least at first,
because it requires more thought and it requires parents to
control their own behavior and treat children with respect.

By the way, my own two boys (8 and 10) are wild, rowdy, noisy and
overly energetic.  They always respond when told to change their
behavior.  And when they are involved in setting the "house
rules," they follow them.

Sorry to be so windy.  I just got home from my parenting class
and couldn't resist jumping in on this.

Ericka, have you read Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson?  Her
books are wonderful.
___________________________________________________
Michele Wandrei
inThree Design
www.inthree.com