[thechat] Fw: [wasters] FW: Top 100...

[William Anderson]

----- Original Message -----
From: @cisco.com
To: wasters
Sent: Tuesday, February 11, 2003 3:26 PM
Subject: [wasters] FW: Top 100...




> The Top 100 Things I'd Do
> If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
>
> My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
> visors, not face-concealing ones.
>
> My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
>
> My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,
> not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
>
> Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
>
> The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept
> on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
> Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The
> same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
>
> I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
>
> When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before
> you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all
> about?" I'll say,
> "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him
> then say "No."
>
> After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
> immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three
> weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be
> carried out.
>
> I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless
> absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a
> large red button
> labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do
> Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid
> enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
> clearly be labelled as such.
>
> I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a
> small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
>
> I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
> need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
> weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
>
> One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child.
> Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
> implementation.
>
> All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
> rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at
> the bottom
> of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
> any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
> aforementioned disposal.
>
> The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or
> any other form of last request.
>
> I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
> find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
> activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just
> putting his plan into operation.
>
> I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you,
> there's just one thing I want to know."
>
> When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen
> to their advice.
>
> I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
> attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
> distraction at a crucial point in time.
>
> I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she
> was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd
> betray her own father.
>
> Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not
> indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss
> unexpected developments that a more attentive individual
> could adjust to accordingly.
>
> I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
> uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs
> that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman
> footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually
> defeated and I want my
> troops to have a more positive mind-set.
>
> No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited
> power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
>
> I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
> troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
> neutralize my power generator and/or render the
> standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not
> be overrun by a handful
> of savages armed with spears and rocks.
>
> I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
> weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
> least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM
> INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
>
> No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct
> any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible
> except for one
> small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
>
> No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion
> are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not
> desperate to
> kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a
> prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
>
> I will never build only one of anything important. All
> important systems will have redundant control panels and
> power supplies. For
> the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded
> weapons at all times.
>
> My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it
> cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
>
> I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my
> enemies into confusion.
>
> All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
> cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to
> death. My foes
> will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no
> source of comic relief.
>
> All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced
> with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
> reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
>
> I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me
> bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are
> hard to come by.
>
> I won't require high-ranking female members of my
> organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is
> better with a more
> casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from
> black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
>
> I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
>
> I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
> diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
> Generation X.
>
> I will not imprison members of the same party in the same
> cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important
> prisoners, I
> will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead
> of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
>
> If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are
> losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
> lieutenant.
>
> If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or
> offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately,
> instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of
> vengeance towards me in my old age.
>
> If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not
> ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
> opposite number among his army.
>
> I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
> unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often
> as possible
> instead of keeping it in reserve.
>
> Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
> time-travel devices.
>
> When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
> monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of
> untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
>
> I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture
> the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
> good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just
> let her in on my plans.
>
> I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those
> who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even
> the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
>
> I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
> responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my
> general screws
> up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here
> is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random
> underling.
>
> If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What
> can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
>
> If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy
> me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead
> of waiting
> for him to mature.
>
> I will treat any beast which I control through magic or
> technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is
> ever broken, it
> will not immediately come after me for revenge.
>
> If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can
> destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it.
> Instead I will
> send them out to seize something else and quietly put a
> Want-Ad in the local paper.
>
> My main computers will have their own special operating
> system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM
> and Macintosh
> powerbooks.
>
> If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over
> the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
> transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
>
> I will hire a team of board-certified architects and
> surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret
> passages and
> abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
>
> If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never
> marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh
> well" and kill
> her.
>
> I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt
> to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
>
> The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their
> place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on
> important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I
> will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
> attract less attention.
>
> My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship.
> Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters
> will be used
> for target practice.
>
> Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
> carefully read the owner's manual.
>
> If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
> dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
>
> I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
>
> My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher
> any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30
> seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
>
> If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a
> mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that
> satisfies
> them.
>
> I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
> structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
> firefight.
>
> Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not
> compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that
> nonsense about flames
> going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
>
> I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all
> extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which
> could prove
> to be a disadvantage.
>
> If I must have computer systems with publically available
> terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a
> room clearly
> marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the
> Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be
> marked as Sewage
> Overflow Containment.
>
> My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner.
> Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or
> dusts the pad
> for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by
> repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
>
> No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards
> will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
> full-scale emergency.
>
> I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past.
> This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the
> offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them
> again, they'd better save my life again.
>
> All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will
> be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
> foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by
> creatures of the wild.
>
> When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will
> always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained
> so that if
> one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the
> other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup,
> instead of
> quizzically peering around a corner.
>
> If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
> should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of
> marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
>
> If all the heroes are standing together around a strange
> device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional
> weapon instead
> of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
>
> I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a
> rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is
> impossible for them
> to win.
>
> When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed
> so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I
> will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying
> on top of my desk.
>
> I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en
> masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and
> attack one or two at a time.
>
> If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him
> and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will
> also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of
> a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth
> considering.)
>
> If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the
> hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will
> retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted
> lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
>
> I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken
> alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is
> reasonably practical."
>
> If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch,
> as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
> limited-edition commemorative coins.
>
> If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send
> out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger
> ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
>
> If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
> disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me
> and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically
> turning around to find out what he saw.
>
> I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
> front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced
> structure.
>
> If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet,
> then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks
> for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to
> switch with him.
>
> I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
> opposite sex.
>
> I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
> complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred
> altar then
> activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse."
> Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
>
> I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
> properly grounded.
>
> My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in
> use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
>
> If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not
> berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the
> task again.
>
> After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not
> immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I
> believe whoever
> holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the
> weapon and I took it from him.
>
> I will not design my Main Control Room so that every
> workstation is facing away from the door.
>
> I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted
> and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current
> entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
>
> If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt
> him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new
> insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves
> me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return
> to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible
> in this regard.)
>
> If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
> underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is
> scheduled to go first.
>
> When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to
> stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
>
> My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete
> with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate
> tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a
> trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
>
> My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the
> control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the
> control panel
> on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
>
> My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that
> contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
>
> If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will
> carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy
> and affectionate,
> I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them
> together against their will and they spend all their time
> bickering and
> criticizing each other except during the intermittent
> occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which
> point there are
> hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
>
> Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
>
> Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
> trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet
> access.