[thechat] Mostly (was: Handling a knife like a pro) (was: Cooked carrots)

[Sabrina Dent, Apperception]

From: "Erik Mattheis"

> On Thursday, February 27, 2003, at 10:51  PM, Sabrina Dent,
> Apperception wrote:

> > fairly wide piece of latex, ala a dental dam, or a big swatch of Saran
> > Wrap
> > over your arse, this isn't an issue. See? Safer sex education in
> > action.

> Aw, that takes all the FUN out of it!

It also takes out a huge percentage of risk for the following STDs and STIs:

Cytomegalovirus (CMV)
Gonorrhea
Hepatitis B
Herpes Simplex
Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV)
Human Papilloma Virus (HPV, Warts)
Syphilis

(Source: http://www.scarleteen.com/infection/risk_1.html )

> Would you disagree that the majority of sex-related distresses stem
> from a thought "I can't let myself feel this way / I don't deserve
> this", etc? People that are afraid of commitment think they don't
> deserve commitment from another, people that are freaked out about
> being attracted to their own sex care more about their
> parent's/society's/whatever's image of them than their image of
> themselves ... etc. etc. I'd bet my bottom dollar that most (a BIG most
> of) sexual hang ups go hand in hand with generally putting the approval
> of others over approving of one's self.

I think that the majority of sex-related distress stems from the following
three things, all of which are intertwined:

1. Poor Education

We have few education models, particularly in public education, that tell
young people it's okay to be attracted to people of the same gender. We
don't have an inclusive definition of "sex" or one that isn't focused on
penetrative sex. We don't give people accurate information about risks, or
teach them that water-based lube and Saran Wrap are their friends. We don't
teach about how orgasm is achieved. We build unreasonable expectations like
it's some kind of damn mission. (In no movie I've ever seen has it ever,
ever taken a woman 45 minutes to climax.)

*Number one question I recieve from adult women: "I can't orgasm through
intercourse alone. Is there something wrong with me?"  (And for those
playing along at home, no, that's perfectly normal. Only 33% of women claim
to be able to climax through penetration alone.)

2. Poor Self Esteem

Aside from social and familial damage we do unto each other, we as a
culture(s) innundate people with unrealistic media. The bodies we see
presented sexually in mainstream ads, magazines, movies are almost always
slotted into a social stereotype. Sexually explicit imagry is unrealistic.
Ergo, we have young and adult males ashamed of the size of their penis and a
thriving industry in "A Biggee Penis in Three Days!" We have adult and young
women convinced there is something wrong with their labia because they're
not viewing an airbrushed version of themselves.

*Number one question I get from young women: "My labia are ugly. Can I have
them removed/will anyone every have sex with me if I look like this?"
See here: http://www.darlingbri.co.uk/journal/archive.asp?ID=135

3. Poor Masturbation Information

We generally do not teach about masturbation, except to tell young children
to stop it. We are horribly repressed about this basic human function, a
function required for people to gain sexual self-knowledge. If you don't
know your own body and sexual responses, ain't nobody going to come along
with a magic wand/hand/penis and suddenly make it all clear for you.

In addition, we tend to deny the fact that women masturbate, create a
culture of shame around female masturbation, and foster guilt over female
sexual fanatasy outside of the romance novel variety. It can be horribly,
horribly shameful for people of any gender to have fantasies that they
consider to be weird, and that fosters guilt, isolation, and lack of true
communication and intimacy with partners.

*Number one fan letter I recieve: "Thank you for including erotic stories
about incest/non-consent/whatever on a site for women. I didn't know other
women had these fantasies and have always been ashamed of mine."

> > Oh, yeah, dude. Porn for women is just so mainstream (not)
>
> So you're advocating that woman use porn?

Well, since I run a porn site for women, I'd have to go with a big YES on
that one.

> To what end?

I don't know, Erik, to what end do men use porn? For arousal? For
validation? For fantasy fodder? For masturbation? None of these is an
exclusively male domain.

> I think
> they'd be better off if someone taught them to accept their stupidity
> rather than become comfortable using porn.

The possibilities in that one are so rich that I'm not even going there.

> Does "poly" mean simultaneously having multiple partners?

<snip>

Judah took the words right off of my keyboard, and 1+ for doing an excellent
job. So, what he said re. your next two points.

> You know, Sabrina, combativeness is often a sign that people's feelings
> for one another are so strong that that they enter freak out mode to
> they extent that the subconscious chooses for them to perceive disdain
> towards oneanother until one day they mistakenly end up at the same
> party, and lock themselves in the bathroom until their passion has
> exhausted them.

1. Why are women with strong opinions and the ability to defend them labeled
"combative" while men with the same swing called "strong"?
2. If we had a similarly opposed conversation on [thelist] instead of
[thechat] about [Flash] instead of [sex], would you even be making this
point?
3. I'm entirely confident the person in that bathroom was not you...

> That is the first poem I've written for anybody. Seriously. Took
> perhaps 15-20 seconds, like it was inside my heart my whole life just
> waiting to come out. I kinda think I was subconsciously thinking about
> my best friend's girlfriend and my own sister, though.

No worries, hon. As I mentioned, incest fantasies are really very, very
common. You're fine. Your labia are also fine.

--Sabrina
--------------------
Prurient: http://www.satinslippers.com  (NSFW!)
Prudent: http://www.darlingbri.co.uk