[thechat] Big stupid plea.

[Erika Meyer]

>my inability to be truly happy in my work for a few
>months alternating with me basically being a workaholic

okay, one red light right here.   Being a workaholic... if you really
are... is not a *small* thing.  It's not a *passing* thing.  It is an
Issue.  That is something you need to deal with, IMO.

I dated a workaholic type for a short time and I will tell you it's
pretty much as bad as an "...aholic" out there.   Not a small thing,
Joe.  Not something I would want to tolerate forever in a long term
relationship.  And if there's a new baby (there is?) oh my!

Nothing breeds resentment in a new, stressed-out mom like an
unavailable husband.  (IMO.)

>and a lack of enthusiasm for each other -
>and a lack of affection.

well... this maybe is a result of other stuff?

>the
>mental stimulation - which is more important to women so I hear it -- and I
>play the cuckold.

yeah.  (I like all the stimulation I can get, honey.)

>But on Saturday she explicitly went on a date,

not a good sign.

>and she's now moved into a
>hotel, and has lined up an apartment she'll be staying with a girlfriend in
>a roommate type situation indefinitely. Always with the idea that we work it
>out.

hmmm....

>Problem is, I now have alternating rage of betrayal and angst of all the
>times I was less a husband than I could have been and sorrow at the failure
>that is my present situation -- mourning for my Marriage. I feel that there
>is hope, but have no idea what to do.

Counseling (make sure it's a good therapist) for yourself or both of
you... if she won't go, you go.  Really!  Men are harder to get to do
this than women.  So don't be wimpy about counseling like most men
are... if this relationship is of value to you, you better focus on
it and show her that's what you're doing.  Show your love,
dedication, commitment to her and to the relationship!

>she is finally seeing what
>I've known all along, that she can do anything she puts her mind to. Turns
>out though, that I may not be what she wants to put her mind to.

*sigh* -- Women can be that way... very changing... you have a baby
though, don't you?  This is not something to be glossed over either
(along with the workaholism stuff)

I will tell you something: if I, as a women, feel emotionally and
physically like I'm doing all the parenting stuff and all the
household crap... I will be MUCH more eager to dump my man and move
on.  Because guess what?  I am *already* a single mother... I may as
well still be a single mother... but with less baggage!  I really
think that way, and so do my girlfriends.  I *hate* when I feel left
with all the child rearing stuff, if I'm supposed to be in a marriage.

Not that this applies to you (probably not), but I know that I (and
my girlfriends who have left marriages) feel this way quite strongly.

The other thing may be this self-esteem thing and commitment issues
she has, and I don't know that you can do much about that one way or
the other.

She may simply be growing into someone different.

>How do separations *work*? Do they ever work?

There was John and Yoko in the mid-70's.  Remember?

>Do they inevitably end in divorce?

No.  But watch out for denial.  What she says may not be what she
thinks, I don't know.

>One of the things she's said to me is that we may find that after divorcing
>we may end up re-marrying. I have seen this phenomenon before and I'm deeply
>confused by it - what's *that* about?

Got me.  I don't think it sounds too fun though.  And maybe being
said just to get you to agree to the separation.  Sounds like divorce
is being discussed...

>How do people manage to *grow* together? To evolve and change and yet
>maintain a strong enough focus on what binds them to stay together and love
>each other?

Shit, Joe, one person can't do it.  It takes two.  And women do this,
I know.  I've done it.  They grow and move out of relationships and
the guy thought everything was fine and what the hell just happened.

I'm sorry we're such complicated creatures.  It must suck for you.

>How important is age in relationships. I know theoretically they don't
>matter, but it feels important here.

I think when you're younger it's more of an issue.  I did a *lot* of
growing between 16 and 26.  Much more than, say, between 24 & 34.

>Is it possible to be friends with an ex-spouse?

yes.  I am friends with my ex & father of my child -- even though
he's a pain in the butt -- hell, I still love him.  I won't live with
him though; he doesn't treat me right & won't change a few things I
need him to change.

(That's the other thing we do... fall in love with a guy, and then
wish for changes... I hate it, but dang, I do it.)

>And finally, I've had all kinds of stupid thoughts because I'm so
>web-centric to do some kind of online stunt where I try to win her back.

Nah.  Go to counseling.  Find a good counselor.  Let her know you're
going, you want her to participate...

>I've also considered doing things like picketing her workplace (I was
>thinking signs like "GIVE JOE A SECOND CHANCE")

This could backfire... depending.  I wouldn't.

>the few remaining
>rational parts of my brain tell me that's an incredibly bad idea.

listen to those.

>My Dad says I should chill and focus on myself, and NOT chase her.

Counseling.

>His theory is that women will recoil when chased.

ah, how you poor men struggle to understand us.  Men make this huge
mistake of thinking all women are the same.  They find something that
works for one and try to apply it to the next... alas.

You have to know *her.*

I'm really sorry for how you feel.  Really sorry.

I say try to work with her, tell her how much you love her, want it
to work, etc.  Go to counseling, etc. Marriage is a commitment... you
may need to make some changes in your life, & change is hard.

Anyway: counseling.  For you!  If she'll go, then bring her and give
it everything you can... and she should commit to the same.  If she
does need space... if she does move away... you've done your best.

Good luck,

Erika
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